What vehicle

Only a fool learns by experience when he can ask!! And many years of living with a basic lack of an ability to make the correct decision about almost anything I decided to ask the experts at the 2003 4x4 show at Billing Aquadrome!

Being British we’d thought of Land Rovers before we went to the show, with the vague idea of buying an ex army Land Rover based ambulance and converting it into a camper van type vehicle.

Blimey there are some characters who drive Land Rovers! There’s army Land Rovers owned by men who dress up in army uniforms but they are not soldiers; there are Land Rovers equipped to go anywhere which are so clean they obviously have never been anywhere! In fact there are Land Rovers converted to do everything you can think of

“Fish and chip vans?”

“Shut it!”

They park in lines or circles and secretly compare their accessories and the man with the largest snorkel smirks and stands proud amongst the lesser mortals. Phallic symbolism pervades.

The owners of Pre-Series Land Rovers scorn the Series 1 owners who in turn scorn the series 2 owners and so on up to the Discovery owners who look down on everyone else because they are rich enough to buy a luxury off-road vehicle to take the children to school!

Firstly we met Paul Blackburn on the "One life Live it" stand. Paul spends his life traveling to exotic places for a living”

“ You mean it’s his job?”

“ Yes its disgusting isn’t it, why can’t he get a proper job and a mortgage, and electricity bills, and a garden like the rest of us?”

“ Someone once said if you find a job you love you never work again!”

“ That’s so true who was it?”

“Does it matter?”

“I suppose not!”

(I learnt later it was Confucius!)

“ Anyway he said that the best vehicle is a Land Cruiser”

At the Footloose 4X4 stand we met Paul Marsh, who had, as they say, been there, done it, bought the T shirt (well it was a safari shirt, but you know what I mean), and he agreed, no insisted, that Land Cruisers were the answer, not just any old Land Cruiser (and definitely not any new Land Cruiser) but a mid 90’s, 100 or 80 series, and he sold us a dream, and in the months to come he sold me nearly everything else I didn't realise I needed

Paul at least had the decency to look guiltily over his shoulder when he said

“I know I shouldn’t say this because it’s a Land Rover Show but you should only do a trip like this in a Toyota Land Cruiser!”

“Why”

“Look lets put it this way, do you know what to do with a spanner!”

“Of course I do. I hand it immediately to someone who knows how to use it!”

“Well in that case you definitely need to drive a Land Cruiser, if you drive a Land Rover you spend your life under the bonnet!”

When I asked Paul how much it would cost, he told me to remember to park so that in the morning you wake up and see the sun rise; when I asked him for a detailed list of work to be done he described the deafening silence of the desert in the morning and the uncountable millions of stars at night.

What can you do when faced with logic like that?. Particularly as Jean agreed with him totally.

I did incidentally get lost at the show, causing Jean some consternation and Diane and Neil much amusement, and confirming the belief that on my own I’d never get off the M25 let alone get to Africa.

Reactions to our plans varied from “Great!”.... the minority,

“Why?”..... Unanswerable.. if you need to ask you’ll never understand the answer!

“It’s dangerous!”...Read your local newspaper.. There’s danger everywhere

“Isn’t it expensive?”.. Er. Yes but you cant take it with you..”

“I know that but weren’t you planning to keep just a little back till you go?”

“Watts I wouldn’t trust you to drive to the local ASDA”.. Er. Now that is a good point

**********

After a while you get bewildered at the advice you receive about what equipment you should take, there’s “must” and “should” and “would be nice” and “if I were you”.

Until you realise that if you took it all you’d never a removal van (and trailer).

The first item was imposed on me, no argument no negotiation, a plastic toilet bucket!!,

"If you think I am going out into the bush with a trowel in the middle of the night you can think again!!, anything could happen, I could get spiders up my..er...."

"With your bladder they wouldn't stay there long!!"

A small trowel takes less room, is cheaper and doesn't need emptying, but hell who am I to argue

I gave in on the loo expecting to win other arguments later..I didn’t of course. I was dissuaded from arguing further by the folded arms across the chest (looking alarmingly like a reincarnation of Les Dawson, but without the subtle understated charm) which made me realize that logic was not in order, the folded arms and the big cardboard box containing a pale blue bucket with a toilet seat on top which sat in the middle of the lounge for a week until I threatened to use it at a dinner party one night.

Having “agreed” on the plastic loo bucket there’s tyres

“Oh yes you’ll definitely need tyres!”

“Aah but how many?”

“One on each corner for a start!”

“Spare?”

“Oh yes I’d think so!”

“How many?”

“One?”

“Nope two!”

“Blimey!

“And of course there’s the wheels”

“Didn’t it have any when you bought it, how did you get it home?”

“Yes but they were alloy wheels”

“And we don’t like alloy wheels do we? Umm remind me why don’t we like alloy wheels?”

“Because they crack!”

“Do they?”

“Yes and so you need steel wheels!”

“Because they don’t crack!”

“No they bend!”

“And that’s good?”

“Yes because then you can hammer them back into shape!”

“If you have a big hammer, as a matter of interest do you have a big hammer!”

“ No!”

“You’d best get one!”

****************

In one of my many) past jobs I worked for Southam Tyres, and so following my own advice (I may as well no-one else does!) I decided to ask the experts Dave and Allan. Having known me for some years Dave looked at me and said,

“You want some good advice? Don’t go!, what do you think Allan”

“Definitely Dave that would be my advice too!”

Bloody pair of comedians!

“Ok then Dave if I still want to go what tyres?”

“BF Goodrich All Terrain, and you’ll need a couple of Michelin Tubes, and a repair kit, and some spare valves, anything else Allan?”

Allen had a small adding machine out and after a couple of seconds said

“There must be we only need a few more quid and we’ll hit this months target!”

Dave thought for a minute, the smiled slapped himself on the thigh, winced because he’s a powerful bloke, (and he was holding a wheel wrench)and said triumphantly,

“Got it a set of locking wheel nuts!”

“Well done Dave” said Allen and they danced together round the car park punching the air. I got the feeling they’d seen me coming..Oh well!

Before I left they wanted my picture they said it was for publicity but I think it was for the “sucker of the month” section of the company magazine.

Next consideration was the roof tent. We were going to be sleeping in this in all weathers so we decided that this was going be the best we could afford and were torn between Howling Moon and Eeze-awn. The decision was made for us because there were only two tents of the size we wanted in the country, both Howling Moon, so I quickly ordered one.

That’s my idea of decision-making where there isn’t an option

Not only did we buy a roof tent but also a skirt that hangs under the tent for privacy, and an awning, the penthouse of all tents. If it were in the middle of London it would be worth £1.5 million but as it was it cost me £1600

We all have sayings that keep us going through life, “This too will end”, or “If god sends you a problem he sends you the strength to solve it”, Then there's “troubles don’t build character they reveal it!” Then there’s......

“Get on with it Watts its getting boring..”

Mine is “Life can be difficult in the absence of beer, life can be impossible if the beer is not cold”

“Oh yes very profound!”

Anyway that was why we bought a fridge, an Engel fridge, the prince amongst fridges. No expedition should be undertaken without a fridge

“What about an expedition to the arctic?”

“Well ok you wouldn’t need one then!”

“Or the Antarctic!”

“Or then, any more?”

“Iceland, Siberia, Alaska…?”

“Ok Ok..you’ve made your point”

Right that’s tyres, tent, fridge, what else? Additional fuel (Gerry cans) on the roof; additional water (Gerry cans in the vehicle); Sand ladders in case I need to climb some sand; Satellite phone in case I want to phone someone in a satellite: etc etc in fact 38, no 39 etceteras!

All the planning and preparation is over, we’re only left with the worries, will the Toyota make it without mishap?, Will it be a quiet uneventful trip? (Blimey I hope not!), have we got all the paperwork in order (only time will tell!).

I suppose in the end you just have to GO!! Stop thinking and GO!

Double checking and triple checking the paperwork always reminds me of the lady who’s son took her to the airport l and when she got there she said

“Son I wish I’d brought my TV with me!”

“Mom why on earth would you want to bring the TV with you”

“Because the air tickets are on top of it!”

Leaving aside the time spend with the idea in its embryonic stage its taken 9 months to get from the vehicle purchase to the "Is the front door locked?.right lets go!" state